wow it has really been along time since I wrote anything in this. the first half of the deployment went great, allen came home for r&r at the end of may and it couldn't have been better. It was the most wonderful feeling to have him back here at home with us even if it was only for 18 days. We did alot of things together, went to the cabin up in Helen for a few days, we had a lot of fun. We did alot of relaxing around the house together too, and allen had his first pedicure and full body massage while he was home. I'm still shocked i kept it a secret from him. I think he liked it though.
After he went back things slowly began to fall apart. Larae flooded our house and we had to move. we stayed in a hotel for a few days while we had to wait for the new house to be ready. Allens internet hasn't been working right since he went back over there after leave, and we haven't been getting to talk as much as we were. I stopped going out and doing things with my friends, and even think I was starting to get depressed. I got a sinus infection, which of course the way my mind works, I turned it into this major ordeal, and all of my anxiety symptoms came back full force, just like they did last deployment. I started thinking all kinds of things. I went to the doctor tonight though and explained all the headaches I've been getting on the right side of my head, all the shakiness and tingling feelings in my head, and throughout my body. They did some bloodwork, and a urine test, and also a CT scan of my head. I was really scared and they had to give me anti anxiety medication to calm me done, but everything thankfully turned out ok. They didn't find anything wrong with me, and they're still saying that my headaches are a mixture between sinuses and the stress and anxiety i'm putting myself though. After that I felt 100% better. Now I can finally relax and get through the last couple months of this deployment without stressing out myself or allen about how i'm feeling. I'm so relieved.
Allen's been doing good, he's been getting online as much as he can to talk to me. I know he's ready to come home too. It's been almost 10 months now since he's been gone, and i definately can tell the difference between a year long deployment and a 15 month one. and it sucks.
At times I feel so distant from him, and at times I feel like I can't even see the end of this. But for the most part, I was stressing again over me and my health. I know I was probably driving allen crazy talking about it. that's why I can't wait till tomorrow to talk to him about it. and let him know that we don't have to worry anymore and that everything's fine. even though I know he already knows that. he never did think there was anything wrong with me. i'm just glad that now i know it too so that we can get back to talking about happy things instead of me always being down in the dumps and depressed sounding,
After I got home from the hospital I took dennis and two of his friends bowling, they bowled a couple games and then played video games for a little while too. It was really nice just to take some time with dennis and his friends doing something fun. i want to start taking him and doing more fun things with him that way the time goes by faster and the deployment can come to an end. I would give anything if he'd get to come home a little early, maybe even be here for christmas, but that's probably not gonna happen. either way though we only have a couple more months to go. and now that dennis is back in school and soccer has started back up, time should start to go by a little faster. i just can't wait for the day when our family is back together under one roof again. it's gonna be the greatest feeling ever. i miss him more than i can explain.

I don't know what's going on or why he's not calling me again. It has been almost 4 days since I talked to him last. I hate this so bad. He was doing so good with calling me and getting online until now. I don't have an explanation and I'm sure he'll come up with one, even though I know it's not gonna make any sense. Other people in his squad talked to their husbands today, so why hasn't mine called me. I feel so abandoned and forgotten right now. I just don't understand. I already know that for part of the time I went without talking to him their was a blackout, but i also know that there wasn't one yesterday or today. So why didn't he call me. Last time we talked he told me he was gonna get online the next morning and he didn't. Here we are 3 days later and still I haven't heard from him. I hate when this happens. He was sick the last time we talked, and he kept on coughing and coughing. He could barely breathe. He should already know that I'm gonna be mad at him for not calling me. He could have at least take a couple of minutes from his busy schedule to call and at least let me know that he's alright. I have been sitting here worrying and making myself crazy something I swore I wasn't gonna let happen this deployment. I feel so distant from him right now. It's like I don't even know what's going on, or really even know anything. I want to scream and cry and I really more than anything just want him to be here to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be ok. And that he does love me, and that we're gonna make it through this deployment. It's times like this when I wonder how we're gonna make it through a whole year from now before he gets to come home. And personally, it's WAY too early in the deployment for me to be feeling like this. There's so many things I want to tell him, and so many things that I wish he would tell me. But, that's apparently not gonna happen considering I can't even get him to call me. WHY WHY WHY does this shit have to happen to me. I miss him so much I can't even explain it, and right now I feel like he forgot that he has a wife and a son back here worrying about him, just wanting to hear from him and know that he's safe. I guess I spoke to soon when I always said about how good about calling me he is. I tell everyone how lucky I am that we keep such good communication with each other. And now look at this shit. Just proved me wrong. I just hope that it's not like this the whole way through the deployment. And I can't help but wonder the crazy kinda shit that my mind likes to think. Did he find someone else, doesn't he miss me or love me anymore. Doesn't he worry about us, and what's going on back home. What could he be doing for the past three days that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for him to call me, even if it's just for a few minutes to tell me that everything's fine. I know when he does call I'm gonna cry. I don't want to but I know I'm not gonna be able to help it. I just hope he calls me tonight. I already know what he's gonna be doing tonight and there's no reason at all that he shouldn't be able to call me. I just hope it's soon. Like tonight.

It's been two months now since he left again and I thought i was doing so good. I find myself wondering again why there's a slowdown in our communication. I shouldn't complain, we still get to talk alot more than others do, but he has a cellphone and sometimes he tells me that he's going to call me and then he doesn't. I understand that he's busy, but before he would call and tell me that he couldn't talk that he was going to be busy, but now he's just letting it go and not calling. I don't know why I'm letting this bother me, and I don't know why my mind wonders and I think he's doing crazy things. I know he'd never do anything to hurt me, and I can't explain why I feel this way, but I really feel like he's not missing me like I'm missing him. Maybe it's just because he's gotten busier lately, but I don't know. Then lately when we've been talking, he's not really saying very much, mostly letting me do all the talking. I don't like that, it makes me feel so distant, and I don't want to feel that way. I love him more than anything in the world, and I just don't want a deployment to ruin what we have. I'm just so afraid that he's gonna fall out of love with me, and not want to be married to me when he comes home. I don't know what I would do if that ever happened. I need him more than I have ever needed or wanted anyone or anything in my life. He's EVERYTHING to me. I can't bare the thought of going through life without him by my side. I hope I don't ever have to worry about that.
I found some funny looking links on the computer and when I went to them they were all online dating sites, and hook up sites for our local area. I don't go to those things, and no one else should have been on our computer going to stuff like that. I spent a couple hours the other night searching through online profiles on those sites trying to see if I found one for him. Of course I didn't, and now I don't even know why I looked. I guess a part of me thought that he might have made one for himself at some point, even last deployment. Why can't I just let things alone. Deep down inside I know that he loves me, and he's not gonna do anything stupid over there to mess things up, I just can't shake this feeling. Believe me I don't want to think that way, but no matter what I do, I can't help it. I've been handling this deployment so much better than the last time around, and I don't want anything to cause me to slip back into that depressed mood that I was in during the last deployment, I can't have that happen. Maybe it's just cause of the holidays and the fact that I haven't gotten to see in on the computer in awhile that's causing me to feel like he's being distant. I know physically we are really far apart, but emotionally and mentally I want us to stay as close if not closer than we were when he was home. Or maybe I'm feeling like this because he's been so busy and we haven't got to talk as much as we used to. I'm waiting to see if he's gonna call me tonight. I just tried to call him but it didn't go through. I hate when that happens. He was supossed to call me this afternoon but he didn't so I'm really hoping to get to talk to him tonight before I go to bed. I just want to hear his voice. I had a rough day today and just would really like to hear his voice. I have a feeling he's not going to call again. He hasn't been calling me at night lately. There's no blackouts or anything that I know of that's been stopping him from calling, so I'm really not sure what's going on. Now I'm just sitting here rambling on and on waiting for the phone to ring. I feel like a crazy person. Time goes by so slow when I don't get to talk to him. We were doing so good with communication and lately I feel like we barely talk. It sucks so bad. I'm so ready for him to come home. He has some stuff coming up that might prevent us from talking for a little while, so I'd like to get some talking time in now just in case I can't here from him for a little bit. It's only 12:03am and I shouldn't be thinking that he's not gonna call. It's not really that late yet. I don't care what time it is, even if I'm sleeping and he wakes me up in the middle of the night. It's fine with me. Sometimes, I wonder if talking to me is as important to him as it is to me. I guess I still have a hard time understanding, and because I'm not there I probably never will completly understand where he's coming from. I feel so selfish for thinking that way I do sometimes, and I shouldn't be upset that sometimes he doesn't get to call. It's wrong of me to be upset, I guess I just worry about him alot and when i don't hear from him, it makes me worry more. I don't know. I just hope that he's able to call so I can talk to him for a little while, maybe that will put my mind at ease and make me feel better. I'm starting to feel myself slipping into a slump, and it's WAY to early for that to happen

Well I finally got to talk to him today, it felt so good to hear his voice, even though I had to go 3 days without hearing from him, it felt like FOREVER. I think it's because that's the longest I had to wait to hear from him since he left. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he's been gone. It feels like it's been so much longer. Even though me and Dennis have been trying to stay as busy as we can, soccer's almost over so we won't have much to do to occupy the time after this weekend. Unless the team makes it to states. That would be really nice, and a big accomplishment for all of them. Dennis has been doing pretty good, he's been listening to me better this time around and he's been helping me around the house, and doing his homework when he gets home from school. I don't know if it's completely hit either one of us yet. It's just really different and hard to explain the emotions that I'm going through this time compared to the way I was last time. Today we were busy again, we went over to Heather's early in the day and watched a movie and just hung out. Then me and Dennis went over to Chris's house and had dinner and she helped me get some more of my math homework done. It was nice to finish another chapter in that class. It really sucks that I'm having such a hard time catching on and understanding how to do the problems, but it's good that Chris is willing to help me out with it, even though we haven't been hanging out a whole lot anymore. I was waiting up tonight cause Allen said that he was going to call me tonight, but he hasn't so far, so I doubt that he's going to now. I guess he either got busy doing stuff or else, he's still sleeping. I'm sure I'll talk to him sometime tomorrow. It's gonna be another busy day for me. I have to do so much stuff again. But at least I can sleep in for a little bit since Dennis doesn't have school tomorrow.

Another Deployment

He's been gone now for about 10 days. I can't believe we have to go through another deployment. This one's going to be a little longer than last time. So far, I have been doing really good. I don't think that it's completly hit me yet. Me and Dennis have been really busy with soccer that I haven't been in the house too much in the evenings until around 9pm and by then I'm working on schoolwork, or talking to Heather. I've been hanging out with her alot since Allen left and it's really helping me to stay sane. I think since she's in the same situation as me and our husband's are actually together I feel better.
I miss him so much though, I can't stop thinking about him. He's been doing really good about contacting me though, and that's making a HUGE difference. The days that I hear from him are my best days. I just need to know that he's safe and that he's doing good and then I think I'll be alright. I can't explain why it feels so different this time but it does. Part of it I'm sure is because we went through this once before and I know a little more about what to expect. I have the dogs and Dennis is older, living on post is also helping, and I actually have friends this time around. Even though I had a few friends the last time, they weren't the same. And those friends aren't really here for me this time. I guess I feel different this time because the whole thing is different. I know that we're going to be fine and we're going to get through this. I just wish it was time for R&R already. I forgot how bad it felt to miss him this much and how lonely it is without him in bed with me at night. It's the little things that I miss the most. I miss him holding me, I miss him kissing me, I miss folding his laundry, and getting him to yell at the dogs because they won't listen to me. I miss him coming in from PT in the morning and coming home for lunch. I acutally miss his driving too, even though I complained about it alot, it was nice having him to drive when we'd go somewhere. I miss hearing him laugh, snore, cough, breath. I miss everything about him. I can't wait till he's back at home with us. This is gonna be a long 15 months.

I don't know why he's not calling. I talked to him last at about 12:30pm. He might be busy or something, either that or he doesn't have a signal on his phone. I can't go two weeks without talking to him at all, and I'm really scared that's what's going to happen. I know that he was working, but I also know that he's done, and I don't understand why he hasn't called me yet. I didn't do a whole lot today, I was pretty lazy. Went to soccer practice and then came home and watched tv all day. I miss him so much, and I can't wait till he gets home. Hopefully it will go by fast, and I'll be able to talk to him soon. I bet he never got the chance to charge his phone, and now that he's back from working he has to charge it before he can call me. This is the part that I hate the most about when he's gone. The not knowing thing. I hate not knowing what's going on, and having to sit here and guess all the time. Usually when I guess I'm wrong, or I think of a million possiblities and end up sitting here driving myself crazy. I just want to tell him goodnight and let him know that I love him and miss him.

Well, he's been gone now for a week. Last night we got in a really big fight, it was the first time we fought since he left. I hate when we fight, we both tend to say some really hurtful things to each other. He really hurt my feelings last night, and it seems like everytime he's away from home, he's different. He's mean, and he yells at me over things he normally wouldn't get so upset about. I don't think he realizes how it makes me feel, or even that he's doing it. I know that I ask a lot of questions, but I don't intentionally drill him like he says I do. I just feel like I have a right to know what's going on, and I shoudn't feel like he's hiding things from me. If he would just give me a straight and honest answer when I ask him something, I wouldn't need to go back and ask more questions, but he always gives me vague answers and it makes it seem like he's hiding something, or like he doesn't want to tell me certain things. It hurts, because I tell him everything, and I want us to have that type of marriage, one where we tell each other everything. Maybe I am being stupid and over reactting.
On the positive side of it, he sent me a cute little message afterwards and even called to apologize, that made me feel really good. I know that I was wrong too, but I didn't think that he would recognize how mean he was to me. I think part of it is because of the stress that we're both under with him getting ready to leave again. This training is just leading up to that, and I'm starting to think that this next deployment might be harder on us than the last one, because he's been home for so long, and we've gotten closer, and so used to each other. I know that I miss him already, and I'm ready for this to be over. I want him to come home, and there's nothing I can do to make that happen. I just have to sit back and try to make the best of it, and use every opportunity that I can to talk to him, and keep things positive. It's only been a week but it feels alot longer, I don't know how I got through the last deployment with him being gone for a year. It feels like this is never going to end. I just want to be able to have him home. I don't want him to go again, and since this time it's going to be longer, it's going to be harder and i'm going to be miserable. I guess I don't have a choice though, I'll just have to make the best of it.

Here we are again, preparing for another long deployment. He's gone now, but this time it's only for training. I'm doing good so far, it's lonely, and I guess it's gonna take a few days to get used to sleeping without him next to me. I've gotten to talk to him twice today, twice yesterday, and twice the day before. I'm glad that he has a cellphone signal, and we're at least able to talk so much. It really makes it alot easier. I miss him already, and I wish that he could be here. I'm really worried about Dennis and how he's handling things. He cried last night for almost 2 hours. I had to call Allen to see if it would help Dennis to settle down and go to sleep. Eventually, he calmed down, and he even slept in his own bed. Holding onto a pair of Daddy's shorts and his Jets jersey. But, at least they were able to comfort him, along with getting to talk his daddy. I just can't helping wonder what it's going to be like when Allen leaves for Iraq this next time. I know it's going to be harder this time, for Dennis, and I wonder how it's going to be for me. I think I'm going to call and schedule a counseling appointment for us. I think it would be better to start it now, before the deployment, and hopefully it will make it easier for us. I'm more scared this time than I was the last time. I think part of it is because I remember how difficult that time away from Allen was for all of us. Part of it, I think is because I know that this time it's going to be longer, and even though I trust in his ability to do his job, I'm still scared that something's going to happen to him. I know that I can't live in fear, and I have to do this. I have to be strong, not only for myself, but for Allen and Dennis. I like it better since we moved, I feel safer, and it's nice being close to Chris again. I think Dennis likes it better too. He has more friends here, and we've been giving him a little bit more freedom to enjoy his childhood. It's nice having the dogs too. They keep me busy, but they also make me feel a little safer too. Soccer season has started and we have that to keep us busy. It sucks that Allen won't get to be at any more of the games. He only got to see one. O-well, at least I can record them and he will be here for baseball season. It just seems so far away. It's only a month, 28 more days to go before I get to see him again. I hate the goodbyes the most. It just sucks. I hate sleeping alone, and I hate having to think about him being so far away. This time it's not like he's that far, but it still feels so empty. It's nice to not be working anymore. I think we're going to make it without me working. I feel so much less stressed out. It's nice to be able to get things done around the house during the day, and be able to run errands while Denny's at school. I wonder if he ever gets lonely when he's away from home. Part of me thinks that he couldn't get lonely because he's busy and he's around so many other people all the time. I just wonder how he feels when he's gone, and what it's like for him. He really doesn't talk about his feelings alot, sometimes I wish he would, at least then I would know a little more of what it's like for him too.